![]() Less overtly threatening-looking is the fabulous and inimitable Billy Mays, who unfortunately passed away two and a half years ago but will always be the true king of late-night to me (suck it, Letterman). She reminds me of the elderly, gruff piano teacher I once had who would smack my hands when I hit the wrong keys. She occasionally even seems like she’s on the brink of punching somebody out, and may in fact be tougher-looking than a razor car. A panini press shilled by a grandmotherly type named Cathy Mitchell who often is far more grimace-y than gregariously happy-to my delight. Well, it’s actually a glorified panini press, people. ![]() You have to be wearing sunglasses to even sit/shave inside of it–it’s just that advanced. ![]() Doesn’t that name sound like it belongs to a fancy car or an electric shaver or something? So masculine! So edgy! With a such a cool title, it’s got to be, like, a hybrid of those things, right? A convertible that also depilates. These items usually have super-ambiguous names like the “GT Express,” which is the star of my favorite half-hour distraction from my own wired anxiety (“ang-wiredty?”…no, too far, shut it down). In addition to being overly cheerful, the hosts of infomercials are usually also hilariously terrifying due to their Silly Putty grins and desperation to unleash upon the late-night consumers of the world what they know are the world’s shoddiest products (or “shoducts,” if you want to use catchy infomercial-ly language). Watching them late at night is like staring into an inverse reality where everyone’s smiling and also very excited to find out all the versatile uses for OxiClean instead of sleeping peacefully, as you probably should be. Infomercials! They’re an insomniac girl’s best pal, perhaps second only to muttering out loud, to herself, “I’ll go to bed after five more minutes of Tumblr.”As anyone with going-to-sleep issues knows, infomercials air during the wee hours when lonesome, wide-awake television watchers are most primed to buy questionable goods from the friendly-looking people on the television screen.
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